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the street was full
of wolves
last night

famished packs
of sexually aggressive
perpetually frustrated
males

all teeth and eyes

howling
pacing
hunting

for a thrill
for a fuck
for a kill
for another kill

for one more kill

those starving bellies
clamoring

just one more kill

 

i can’t hear the music
anymore

i can’t hear
the dizzying mirth
of your laughter
mingling with mine
under distant stars

but i can see
the frost on the lawn
shining with moonlight

and i remember you
oh, i do

the minutes
the hours
the days
have crept away like thieves
in the night

still, i remember you
your laugh
your smile
your sighs
your gentle ways

the years have wrapped their rough hands
around my throat
still, i remember you,
i do

 

 

 

“Who, me? No, I don’t know what I’m doing here. Well, that’s not true. I might know. I kind of have an idea. That’s my friend over there. He dragged me out here tonight. Yeah, the sloppy guy over there in the white shirt, dancing with the brunette. Me? No, I think I’ve had enough already. I just came along because I know he doesn’t like to swim alone. Yes. Swim. You’ll see. I’ll show you. Look closely at that girl over there. You can see it, can’t you? Do you see it? There’s a dorsal fin poking up from the back of her dress. Me? No, not at all — I don’t mind swimming with sharks once in a while. I just know well enough when it’s time to get out of the water. This place is full of man-eaters. No. No, the guys too. The guys even more so. I feel awful for you girls, I really do. I imagine you must have such a worse time of it. Right? I know. Me? No. I just try to be careful, I guess. No, I just hate the idea of leading anybody on. It’s not like that. Not really. No, but I’ve been walking around with a halo in my back pocket for years now and I don’t think anybody ever noticed. I even forgot about it myself a few times, only to find it shining in the bottom of the washing machine at the end of the week. No, you seem nice. No. I didn’t mean anything by that. Maybe? Just nice. Okay. Because? Well, like I said, I came here because my boy doesn’t like to swim alone. But that’s not quite it. You’re right. No. I know. You’re right. There is more. No, I am here for myself as well. Well, at least a little bit. It will sound crazy though. Okay. If you say so. You see, there is something I’ve been looking for my entire life. I can’t really explain it. I don’t know what or who it is. There is just this sense that there is something out there that I need to find. Something terribly important. I came here tonight in case it is a who, and because I can’t recall looking in this place before and I figured I would give it a shot. But being here, I am satisfied that whatever I am looking for is not here. No. No, I’m pretty sure I’ve gone farther than most would, I just haven’t found it yet. There were a few times I thought I was close, but I was wrong. That’s fine though. I’m not complaining. Why? No, I don’t think so. I don’t know, I just thought everyone else was doing the same thing. You mean you’re not, or you just didn’t realize it until now? So what are you doing here? Okay. Me? I don’t think so. No, don’t give me that shit. I’ve heard all that before, believe me. No, I know. Be careful now — sincerity and integrity are endangered species. I try. I do. No, I’ve known more than a few silver tongues in my time. Believe me. But that’s not me. No, come on. I’m not trying to mess with you. I’m not. I don’t want to deceive anybody. Really, I don’t. Oh, am I now? I don’t mean to come across as anything at all. No I’m not. That kind? What kind is that? No. No. No, I am the kind of guy that is going to leave here in a little while, alone, and go run eight miles to burn off all the drinks that I didn’t want to drink in the first place; then I am going to go home and do yoga in a scalding hot bubble-bath and pass out, and try my best not to dream. Yeah. Why wouldn’t I? See, that’s the point — I don’t know any guy that would do that either, much less admit to it. Well, you should try it. I mean you can’t do everything, and what you can do will make a hell of a mess depending on the size of your tub, but why not? No. Because nobody ever thinks of funny, original shit to do anymore. Nobody wants to live strangely or dangerously, and it’s really a crying shame. You should try it. Just don’t get hurt. It will really upset me if you get hurt and I find out somehow. It kills me when I find out that I’ve caused someone pain, directly or indirectly. Really, it does. What? No. My dreams? Oh. In my dreams I just see things I would rather not see. Why? I don’t know. In some dreams I see too much of the past, too many faces from other lives, other lifetimes; too many ghosts of what was that claw and tear and pull at the tangled strings of my heart. They’re friends and they don’t mean to hurt me, but they do. They do. People just mean too much to me sometimes that it’s unbearable. Yeah. I know. But life always gets in the way sooner or later. It’s so sad, when you really stop and think about it. Yes. I know. No. No, I think people have so many more chances to be happy than they realize. They just don’t see it. Or won’t see it, which is worse. Maybe. No, I think most people just fall into routine and the comfort it brings, and they stop living and start waiting for life to come to them instead, and they just miss it all, waiting, waiting, waiting. I don’t know, maybe they’re expecting their lives to improve on their own? Maybe. It’s probably pretty rare if it does happen. Don’t worry. No, I’m sure I’ve done it too. I think everyone has at some point. I know. No, I like to think I’m not doing it now, but I can’t be sure. The rest? Oh, right. Well, other times my dreams show me too much of what could be. Yes. Those are the dangerous dreams. Yes. I know that now. I understand them better than I want to, or at least I think I do. When I was younger I thought that maybe they were prophetic, and I made more than a few questionable decisions that spiraled into quite-big mistakes, heeding the counsel of my dreams. When I think about it now, I have trouble understanding how I even made it out alive. Regrets? No. Never. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Do you? I’m sorry. No, but I think if I could stay awake for the rest of my life, that’s what I would do. Yes, I know that’s not possible. No, not at all. No, I have Dreams with a capital D. Those are good, those are fine. Those are different. It’s the ones with a lowercase d that just torture me sometimes. No, that’s okay. I think you know what I mean, or someday you will. Anyway, it’s been nice talking to you but I really must be on my way now. There are strange corners of life calling to me, and so many sides of myself I haven’t seen yet. Okay. No. No. No, because I don’t have a phone, and I wouldn’t answer it anyway if I did. No, really. Because it’s so much more beautiful when the world conspires on its own to bring people together. Fuck arrangements, fuck plans. Yes, I’m serious. Really. If I bump into you out on the street next month, or in some foreign city years from now, it’ll feel like magic. Sorry. It is just a chance you have to take. Or a price you have to pay. For what? For miracles. For life! No. I know. You’ll see, someday. Look, I’m sorry but I can’t keep myself waiting any longer. I do that too often as it is. I know. I know. I know. No. No, parting is the easy part – it’s what comes after that will twist your soul. Believe me. Stay sharp. Avoid those sharks as best you can. I’d give you a rescue flare if I had one, but I don’t – and I can’t promise that I’d come back and save you anyway, because I just can’t make promises like that anymore. No, I think you’re doing all right. It gets easier, you’ll see. Yes. Just never stop making your life into something beautiful. You can’t lose. Yes, I think you’re going to be just fine.”

 

 

 

I was alone on my back
out in that biting wind
breathless
beneath a glittering sky.

I laid there for hours
watching Orion fall apart,
while the world was warm in bed
or bathed in television glow,
or toasting success among weasels
somewhere far away from me.

Shivering in the immensity of night
I felt compelled to ask the stars, the dark,
if we are always where we’re supposed to be –

but I didn’t.

I remembered someone told me once
it is dangerous to ask questions
like that,

that sometimes living is easier
without the answer.

 

 

I told my brother once
that his bride
was a thundercloud

full of white American noise
and spoiled rain

I said
I know you don’t
believe me
but one day
I think
you will see
what I mean

you will
understand it
when her water
breaks