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you only see me
if you see me
on my good days

on my bad days
I never make it
out of bed

the covers
too heavy to lift

the gravity
of each moment
immense and
inescapable

it is all
that I can do
to lay there

harmlessly

buried alive
by the hurt
by inadequacies

by the real and
the imaginary

all day
I struggle so hard
not to be
the defeat

so dim
so cloudy

then I try again
the next morning
and the next

and the next

 

 

 

they had to pump my stomach
in the emergency room
last night

it was full of
tears

the doctors looked at me
quizzically
and i just said
well
i have been swallowing them
for years

 

 

There was a tin
of mustache wax
on her nightstand

and
all I could think
was

well,
this will
at least be
interesting.

 

 

(Originally published in deLuge)

 

 

 

I have been
called
many things

a bastard
lunatic
mutant
devious Jesus

liar
criminal
fuckup
screwball punk

but the best was
one time
walking in late to a lecture
on the first day of class
the professor stopped and said,

“Mr. Rosewater
what a surprise
it is to see you
and on the first day of class, too.”

(they always thought
I was playing hooky.
they never knew
and they never will.)

I smiled wide like a whale
and bid her good morning
as she said to the class
(here it comes)
“Class, I would like to
introduce you to

The Iconoclast,”

and I made my way
grinning
hideously
to the back of the room
to the only empty seat
and sat down
regally
a ragged king
on his plastic throne.

the ones who didn’t know
weren’t sure what to think
but the ones who knew
were dripping fear.

they just waited
all nerves
as I sat there
smoldering
patiently
winding up
my wrecking ball.

(Originally published in The Perch)

you see
my heart has been doing backflips
and tightrope walks
for the last two weeks
but not for your pleasure
not for your applause

you see
i have finally met them

they are not blind
not yet
but they do not recognize me
when they look into my eyes

they do not understand
me
at all

and i can hear the breeze
humming softly

do not build there
my love
do not build there

even though
we know
i must